Brinatello

An anonymous blogger on Tumblr recently said this to one of my Followers:

"I am basically dead inside, have been dead for years now. I have withdrawn drastically because a lot of hurt that happened. I'm just ghosting now: hey, who turned out the lights."

That last sentence, "Hey, who turned out the lights" is a repeated line from one of the most incredible yet chilling episodes of Doctor Who: Silence in the Library (S04E08). The character that spoke it was trapped in a loop of time after being attacked by Vashta Nerada, or piranha-like shadow creatures. The beings engulf and strip the person down to nothing but bones, placing them in a state known as a data ghost.

From Wiki TARDIS Data Core: "The dead person would appear to be alive and able to communicate, though confused. This was due to the degradation of the stored data pattern. They would repeat themselves or make illogical statements until the pattern failed. The Tenth Doctor called a data ghost a footprint on the beach with the tide coming in. The pattern would continue to fade until someone manually disconnected the unit."

I'm bringing this up because I've been feeling the same way as that anonymous blogger. Dead inside. I've pulled away drastically because I was hurt badly. I don't want to cause pain while at the same time I don't want to receive pain. I supposedly hurt a beautiful person by doing nothing, but it was a whole lot of nothing in their eyes. Even though it was months ago, I never recovered. I sunk into a permanent state of numbness. And no, I'd rather not give details of who it was.

Ever since then, I've lost the will to continue actively in the GMD Fandom. I have a minimal desire to work on The Game's Afoot! fansite. Each week has been a struggle to come up with an update. And not just because of what happened with the friend. When I actually find something for the site and start to work on it, I think about the loss of someone else. I think about Barrie Ingham, and I break down in tears. I'm working with material that involves his character, Basil, and I can't complete my tasks without having the urge to cry.

Missing my best friend and missing the gentleman who was one of the main reasons why I kept the site going are two things I'm having trouble coping with each day. A lot more stuff is happening such as the usual family drama and stress in general, but these losses have been plaguing me more than I want them to.

In truth, I do NOT want to stop running the site, I do NOT want to lose the desire to write, draw, or do anything that makes me happy, and I certainly do NOT want to lose any more friendships. But what do you do when you feel completely dead within? What do you do when you feel safe knowing your distance equals no more pain to your friends and to yourself? And why hasn't the sadness of losing Barrie moved on from me by now? I can't even look at a photo without feeling a lump in my throat.

I don't like this feeling of detachment, but at the same time it feels as though I can no longer do damage to anyone nor receive damage in return.

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